When we left off, God had smote 2% of the population, scaring the shit out of porn star pilot Rayford Steele and causing him to emote and pray a lot. Meanwhile, porn star reporter Buck Williams was hot on the trail of a Jewtastic banking conspiracy. Sikhs, dogs, mice, Jews, and token black guys, we found out, don't end up in heaven. But will Chloe and Buck?
The other part of the big conspiracy involves 10 tracts of land that belong to the UN and are part of the Antichrist’s evil plan for world domination. Bucky’s helpful assistants manage to link the land to Stonegal, and Bucky is Captain Obvious for noting that the evil Jew bankers are actually acting pretty nice, with their plots to end world hunger and get ride of NEW-COO-LAR weapons. Then he gets a call from some friend of his who e-mailed Dirk and it’s boring and I could care less.
Chloe listens to Linkin Park and carves “fuck the world” on her arm with a razorblade. Have I mentioned how awful her wardrobe is yet? It’s not like anyone else is a fashion plate in this movie, but what if Jesus comes back all of a sudden and sees her wearing tie-dye? She’ll be condemned to the pits of hell on purely aesthetic grounds!
She goes to her closet and for a moment I think it’s to get some better clothes but it turns out that she conveniently has the ugliest edition of the Bible ever printed stashed in there to match her ugly shirt. Gutenberg is rolling in his grave. Remember when Photoshop’s new filters came out and suddenly everyone’s nephew was a graphic designer and could design the book cover for cheaper than you’d charge? And the graphic design industry, as well as your eyes, has been suffering ever since? Not that I’m bitter or anything.
“Because God loves you as much as I do. Happy Birthday. Love, Mom.”
First off, the Steeles’ whopping big mansion indicates that they’re ridiculously rich, but the best birthday present Irene can come up with is a Bible (when they’ve already got a bunch hidden all over the house)? What a cheapskate.
Second, I love you sooo much that I’d even wipe out half of your family and turn your world into a post-apocalyptic nightmare to show you how much I care! These people are really dysfunctional.
Bucky flies off to meet with the mysterious e-mail guy, who is a CIA agent or something. He has an awesome theory that Stonegal and Snidey McWhiplash plan to retract all the money they loaned the UN, bankrupting it. The dialogue here goes something like:
Bucky: “Tracts of land! The UN! Rosensweig’s formula! Stonegal! They’ve been using Carpathia as a puppet.”
Completely Doomed Informant: “You mean it’s all about money?”
Completely Doomed Informant: *ASPLODES*
Bucky Big Noooooes for the Completely Doomed Informant.
Bucky notices that everyone he talks to has a tendency to get killed, so he goes to visit the Steeles, hoping to do the world a favour by having them blown up.
But his plans are thwarted, and instead, Steele and Chloe take him to the New Hope Church of Disappearing Fundies and force him to watch the Creepy Tape of My God, Haven’t These People Ever Seen Ringu?
Bucky: “What’s this? Some Bible-thumper thinks that God took all those people up to heaven?”
Bruce: “What, it doesn’t sound convincing to you?”
Bucky: “No, it’s actually pretty creepy.”
Bruce: “There’s something else I need to tell you. The guy who made that tape? Vanished with the rest of them. I helped him make this tape three years ago.”
Bucky: “But how could he have known?”
Bruce: *plops a Bible in front of him* “Here’s your Secret Decoder Ring. Get reading.”
Anyway, there’s a very dull resolution where Bruce links the ten tracts of land, the rebuilding of the Temple, and the spontaneously combusting planes to various Bible verses, and warns of the rise of the Antichrist.
Bucky: “Aaargh! This is scary! I have to go to the UN and warn Chaim!”
Steele: “You can’t! You don’t have Jesus in your heart. Quick, convert!”
Bruce: “Can’t you feel God tugging at your
Bucky: *runs away from the crazy people*
It turns out that Hattie isn’t so much the Antichrist Airlines flight attendant as she is, well, Personal Fluffer of the Antichrist. But she can get Bucky into see Chaim, Sidekick of the Antichrist.
Bucky tells Chaim about the evil Jew banker plot to control the world’s food supply.
Chaim: “Oh teh noooes! We must tell Nicky!”
Apple: The official computer of evil.
Nicky: “I’ve been pwned by my best friends and mentors! I’ll have to
Bucky: “Phew! The Jew banker plan for world domination has been defeated, thanks to Nicky, who couldn’t possibly be the Antichrist because he's such a nice dude. By the way, Chaim, what’s that big scroll on your desk?”
Chaim: “Oh, it’s nothing. Just some plans to rebuild the Temple of Solomon.”
Bucky: “Um, won’t the Muslims object to having the Dome of the Rock bulldozed?”
Chaim: “When has that ever stopped Israel from bulldozing anyth—I mean, it turns out that we found the *real* site of the Temple, conveniently located next to the Dome of the Rock, so all we need to bulldoze is whatever’s next to it. I’m sure the Muslims won’t mind that at all, and it’ll all be sunshine and bunnies! Isn’t that awesome?”
Chaim: “Of course, now that we lost our Jew banker funding, this probably won’t happen.”
Nicky: “Never fear! We’ll still go ahead with it. It’ll mark the beginning of our SEVEN YEARS OF PEACE.”
Bucky: “Peace…seven years…Bible…Temple…oh fuckity fuck fuck!”
Steele: “You know, sweetheart, technically, if you sin and then ask Jesus to forgive you, he pretty much has to. So we can—”
Chloe: “Forget it, dad. I have a crush on Buck now. Except he never calls me or anything.”
Steele: “Probably because he hasn’t found Jesus yet. You know how those heathens are.”
Chloe: “Can’t we *make* him convert?”
Steele: “Good idea! Let’s pray!” *touches her arm inappropriately*
Bucky finds God in the washrooms at the UN. Have you ever had a shit so good that it made you believe in God? Well, Buck just did. It's a miracle!
That bad inspirational Christian rock I mentioned in the last post pipes up. Chloe and Steele do their creepy incestuous thing in the church.
In case you hadn’t guessed, Arabs and Asians don’t go to heaven either.
Nicky dramatically fake-confronts Stonegal and Snidey about the Jew banker plot in a UN meeting.
Bucky uses his new Super!Christian X-Ray Vision Powers to determine that Nicky is the Antichrist as he pontificates about how the UN delegates will each control a tract of land and bring about World Peace, etc.
Evil Jew Bankers: “We never agreed to this!”
Nicky hypnotizes everyone and then shoots the evil Jew bankers.
Nicky: “Thanks to you, my totally awesome plan for world domination has succeeded! Wanna be my new media liaison?”
Buck: *is not doing so well with the whole new Christian thing*
Nicky: Isn’t it terribly sad that the evil Jew bankers died because of their greed?
Everyone: YES IT IS ALL TERRIBLY SAD. TERRIBLY SAD. TERRIBLY SAD.
Bucky: “Hey Chaim, did you by any chance just see Nicky kill a couple of guys?”
Chaim: “WTF are you talking about?”
(If I understand this correctly, Nicky hypnotized everyone to make them think that the Jew bankers killed themselves. But because Buck is a Christian, he couldn't be hypnotized, so he actually did see what Nicky done. Which means that he sat there and did nothing while two guys got shot in front of him. What a mensch! We're supposed to root for this character?)
Nicky: “Hey baby, I have a position opening up for the Whore of Babylon. What do ya say?”
Bucky: “Well, I guess this means that the whole End of Days Antichrist Bible stuff is actually true. We’d better band together and
Dramatic music: *SWELLS*
Me: “Seriously? *That’s* how the movie ends?”
Check out the fifth line down. Fundie Christians are deeply fucked up.
Of course, the way that Left Behind portrays heaven is so dull (long speeches, steaming heaps of produce, and no sex) that you wonder why anyone would want to go.